Quoted Memes

1
Global warming climate change climate disruption is man-made and the government needs to tax and spend to solve it! 

2
Global warming during the present interglacial — over the most recent 13,000 years, gave rise to nation-building and the industrial revolution.  The industrial revolution is a consequence of global warming, not the cause of it.

3
Don’t treat people as bad as they are.  Treat them as good as you are.

4
Discussions are better than arguments, because an argument is to settle who is right, and a discussion is to settle what is right.

5
Your lifespan is described as two dates and a dash.  Make the most of the dash.

6
Do you remember who you were before the world told you who to be?

7
The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money. 

8
If you outlaw abortions, abortions will just happen illegally.  But if you outlaw guns, we will all be safe from gun crime.

9
If you’re suggesting sending men with “weapons of war” to take my “weapons of war,” then I’m fairly certain that’s what is called an act of war and falls, as well, within the definition of tyranny, which, coincidentally, is one of the reasons for the Second Amendment in the first place.

10
Hypocrisy is not allowing an 18-year-old to defend his family with a firearm while sending him off to war under the excuse of defending yours with one.

11
IMake our guns illegal and we’ll just call them “undocumented.”

12
The war on drugs has ended.  The drugs won. 

13
If the government is willing to lie, cheat, and steal from you while you are armed to the teeth, imagine what they will do to you once they’ve made it illegal to defend yourself. 

14
Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, and yet you can tiptoe but you can’t tipfinger.

15
Socialism: The childlike faith that a powerful, ever-growing government couldn’t possibly pose a threat to freedom.

16
Corporatism is not capitalism.  Corporatism is the destruction of the free market and the creation of corporate monopolies achieved through the regulatory and monopoly power of strong central government. 

17
The bureaucratic solution: “daylight saving time.”  And what was the problem?

18
When the law doesn’t apply to the lawmakers you’re not being governed; you’re being ruled.

19
The word “politics” is derived from the word “poly,” meaning “many,” and the word “ticks,” meaning “blood-sucking parasites.” 

20
If my kids can’t bring peanut butter to school then yours can’t bring the plague.  Vaccinate your spawn or I’m bringing the Jif.

21
A wolf attacks a sheep.  The sheep dies.  Other sheep observe the killing and notice that teeth kill sheep.  The surviving sheep remove one another’s teeth for their own safety.

22
Why does everyone force an introvert to be talkative and leave her comfort zone but no one forces the extrovert to shut up, even for a minute, to let the zone be comfortable?

23
We will never create enough laws to control evil.  Evil does not obey laws.

24
The only reason our government would want to disarm us after two and a half centuries is because they are planning to do something to us that we would shoot them for.

25
If your coffee order needs more than four words, we don’t talk the same language.

26
Just to be clear, I support police officers, but not the ones who commit crimes.  I support protesters, but not the ones who commit crimes.  Yes, it really is that simple.

27
Everyone is arguing over which party they want in control, and I’m over here trying to figure out why people in a “free” country want to be controlled.

28
To think that God could use a filthy-minded, adulterous, wealthy man with evil in his heart to preside over a nation is beyond me.  But he did, and that man gave us “The Appren…” — wait!  That man gave us the Psalms.

29
If you think you are smarter than the previous generation, just keep in mind that in 1960 the owner’s manual for a car showed you how to adjust the valves.  Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery. 

30
1944: Eighteen-year-olds stormed beaches in France, parachuted behind enemy lines, and charged into German machine gun fire.  2014: Eighteen-year-olds need safe spaces, blankies, bubbies, coloring books, gun-free zones, and counseling for “PTSD” caused by opposing views and offensive words.

31
Let the gays get married.  Let the rednecks have their guns.  Let the atheists be atheists.  Let the Christians be Christians.  America is about freedom — freedom to live your life as you please.  So smoke a bowl, eat a greasy burger, shoot your guns, praise Jesus and wish those two fellows next door a happy honeymoon.  It’s only when people force their ways on others that problems begin.  It never ceases to amaze me how many full-frown adults don’t understand that. 

32
An old Cherokee told his grandson: “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside each of us.  One is Evil.  It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego.  The other is Good.  It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth.”  The boy thought about it and asked: “Grandfather, which wolf wins?”  The old man quietly replied: “The one you feed.” 

33
Atheism: The belief that there was nothing and then nothing happened to nothing and then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything, and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason whatsoever into self-replicating bits which then turned into plants or dinosaurs and other crawling things, and eventually a creature stood up and looked around and that’s when thinking started, which finally became the brilliance that led to atheism…  Makes perfect sense to me.

34
A driver is stuck in a Washington, D.C., traffic jam and nothing is moving.  Suddenly a man is knocking at the car window.  The driver puts the window down a crack and asks, “What’s going on?”  The man says: “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress and are asking for a $10 million ransom.  Otherwise they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car taking up a collection.”  The driver asks: “How much is everyone giving?”  The man replies: “Oh, about a gallon apiece.”

35
May 5, 2020: How messed up is it that Cinco de Mayo finally falls on taco Tuesday and will get cancelled due to a virus with the same name as a Mexican beer?

36
Government Know-it-all: If you need 30 rounds to hunt, you suck at hunting.  Me: If you need to disarm the populace in order to govern, you suck at governing.

37
When my mom asked my granddaddy whether she had to say “Ma’am” and “Sir” to a “colored” person, he said, “The only color you need to be concerned with is the color of their hair.  If you see gray hair, there better be a ‘Sir’ or ‘Ma’am’ coming out of your mouth.”

38
Democracy: The system that picks Barrabas over Jesus.

39
Why carry a gun?  Because a whole cop would be too heavy.

40
Guns: My right to own one is what protects your right to argue that I can’t.

41
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day. 

42
Great people talk about ideas.  Average people talk about things.  Small people talk about other people.

43
You have never really lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.

44
A friend will calm you down when you are angry, but a best friend will skip along beside you with a baseball bat singing out: “Someone’s gonna get it!”

45
Friends are like underpants… Some crawl right up your ass, some snap under pressure, some don’t have the strength to hold you up, some get a little twisted, some support you well, some are your favorite, some are cheap and just get stretched out of shape, and some actually do cover your ass when you need them to.

46
The one who angers you controls you.  Don’t give anyone that power, especially the one who does it intentionally. 

47
I don’t need anger management.  I need people to stop making me mad.

48
Do not try to win over delusional people.  You are not the Jackass Whisperer

49
Don’t try to win over the haters.  You are not the Jerk Whisperer. 

50
What is fair?  Fair is a four-letter word.  Fair is where you get cotton candy.  Fairness exists in the minds of socialists and first-graders. 

51
We never really grow up.  We only learn how to act in public.

52
Think! It’s not illegal yet.

53
Don’t be so serious.  If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me…  I’ll laugh at you! 

54
It is not happy people who are thankful.  It is thankful people who are happy.

55
Let’s have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bike.

56
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

57
What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

58
Remember, when you see a climber at the top of a mountain: She didn’t fall there. 

59
To be kind is more important than to be right.  Many times, what people need is  not a brilliant mind that speaks but a special heart that listens.

60
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  It’s impossible to put it down.

61
Everybody is good at something.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree or a squirrel by its ability to forage under water, each will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

62
I’m ready for some blessings that aren’t in disguise.

63
When I was little, my dad had me convinced that the ice cream truck only played music when it was sold out.

64
I always mean what I say.  I may not mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.

65
English doesn’t borrow from other languages.  English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over, and goes through their pockets for loose grammar. 

66
I’m only responsible for what I said, not for how you twisted it.

67
When people walk away from you, let them go.  Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are bad people.  It just means that their part in your story is over. 

68
When I was five years old my mom told me that happiness was the key to life.  When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down “happy.”  They told me I didn’t understand the assignment.  I told them they didn’t understand life. 

69
Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a person with character to forgive.  When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was OK, and it doesn’t mean that person should still be welcome in your life.  It just means you have made peace with the pain and are ready to let it go. 

70
When people walk away from you, let them go.  Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are bad people.  It just means that their part in your story is over. 

71
When I was five years old my mom told me that happiness was the key to life.  When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down “happy.”  They told me I didn’t understand the assignment.  I told them they didn’t understand life. 

72
Live without pretending.  Love without depending.  Listen without defending.  Speak without offending.

73
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

74
INCOME TAX — You worked and somebody paid you?  We’ll need to take 30%-50% of that.
SALES TAX — Oh, you would like to spend some of the income we allowed you to kerp?  We’ll have to charge you an extra 5%-10% every time you do.
PROPERTY TAX — Oh, you managed to save some money anyway, enough to get a little pice of land and a house?  Better than paying rent, you say?  Well, you’ll need to fork over a couple thousand dollars every six months for the privilege.
CAPITAL GAINS TAX — Oh-ho! You invested in a 401(k) for security and independence in your old age?  While we thank you for putting your money into our financial casino, we’ll unfortunately have to take 30% of your gains.
INHERITANCE TAX — You’ve lived a good life, anon.  You made it to the end.  You worked hard and saved some money to give to your kids.  Buuuuuuut, we will need to take a piece of that, too.  It’s only fair.  For the good of society, you understand?  But you’re already resting in peace, so this little tax won’t hurt a bit.
At what point did you realize that you were merely a tax slave for your government overlords?

75
In 1900 in America you didn’t need to ask the government’s permission to
– collect rain water
– go fishing
– own property
– start a business
– renovate your home
– build a home
– use a transportation vehicle
– get married
– go hunting
– own a weapon
– cut hair
– sell a product
– protest
– grow food on your property
– set up a lemonade stand
– display the flag
– sell food
-give to charity
Now you can do virtually nothing without the cost of government extortion to obtain their permission first.  If you still think you are free, you’re deluding yourself.  You live on a tax farm as free-range humans.  Freedom is by permit only.

76
INCOME TAX — You worked and somebody paid you?  We’ll need to take 30%-50% of that.
SALES TAX — Oh, you would like to spend some of the income we allowed you to kerp?  We’ll have to charge you an extra 5%-10% every time you do.
PROPERTY TAX — Oh, you managed to save some money anyway, enough to get a little pice of land and a house?  Better than paying rent, you say?  Well, you’ll need to fork over a couple thousand dollars every six months for the privilege.
CAPITAL GAINS TAX — Oh-ho! You invested in a 401(k) for security and independence in your old age?  While we thank you for putting your money into our financial casino, we’ll unfortunately have to take 30% of your gains.
INHERITANCE TAX — You’ve lived a good life, anon.  You made it to the end.  You worked hard and saved some money to give to your kids.  Buuuuuuut, we will need to take a piece of that, too.  It’s only fair.  For the good of society, you understand?  But you’re already resting in peace, so this little tax won’t hurt a bit.
At what point did you realize that you were merely a tax slave for your government overlords?

77
It’s 2018, and in a matter of four days over 300,000,000 lottery tickets were sold nationwide. Within hours of the drawing, lottery officials knew how many winning tickets were sold and where the winning tickets were sold, down to the specific store locations.  Four days after voting has closed, officials don’t know how many people voted, how they cast their votes, who they voted for, or when there will be a guesstimate of the results.  The U.S. election system is broken on purpose.

78
Causes for the fall of the Roman empire:
– open borders
– corrupt politicians
– loss of a common language
– the welfare state
– violent entertainment
– decline of morality
– decline in fertility rate
– rise in pedophilia
– unchecked debauchery
– class warfare
– unbearable taxation
– outsourcing
– trade deficits
– exploding debt
– money devaluation
– military cuts
– terrorist attacks

79
Ten things your dad never told you:
1. He has to ensure there is enough money.
2. Your are more important than his work.
3. He wants to be like Superman.
4. He really wanted to fulfill all his promises to you.
5. He is tired.
6. It broke his heart when he couldn’t buy you that toy.
7. He wants you to work hard in life.
8. He wants you to be better than he was.
9. He would do it all again.
10. He really loves you.

80
A Marine deployed to Afghanistan received a letter from his girlfriend.  In it, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.  She also wanted the picture of herself back.  So the Marine did what any other man would do.  He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.  He then mailed about 24 pictures of women, with clothes and without, to his now-ex-girlfriend with the following note: “I don’t remember which one you are.  Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”

81
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.  

82
The only people you should want to get even with are those who have helped you.

83
The cost of living has gone up by another dollar a quart.